


choking up when i see you

by lovejjong



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Titles, I'm Sorry, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung & Lee Jeno Are Siblings, M/M, Sad Ending, Unrequited Love, quarantine fic, what is even tagging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:13:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23839660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovejjong/pseuds/lovejjong
Summary: Jeno hates him. he hates the way he leads him on. he hates the way he is the sole cause of his breath smelling of flowers.He wished he can stop.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Nakamoto Yuta, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 64





	choking up when i see you

**Author's Note:**

> first time writing nomin angst, i hope you like it?

Jeno sits up abruptly in his bed, dissolving into another bout of coughing, shutting his eyes tightly as he curled up in his bed, hacking like it is his last day alive. _Cursed flowers, waking me up when I already feel like shit_ , he thinks, as he pressed a hand against his mouth. A stupid attempt to stop the coughing, he knows, but it is done on reflex. His hand pulled away, stained with blood. 

Jeno spits out the flower petals and squinted at it, before going to the bathroom to wash the petals. He picks them up again after the blood is almost fully washed off. Scrutinizing it, Jeno sighs. He thinks it is gladiolus, and he knows why it is growing in his lungs. He eyes the petals, rubbing it lightly. He had not yet started coughing up full flowers, but he knows it is soon. After all, it has already been a few months since he started choking up these petals.

He flushed it down into the toilet after a while, and walked back to his kitchen for a cup of water after washing up. A snowy Samoyed runs towards him, circling around him while whining softly as he ambled slowly to his bedroom. Once he got onto the bed and pulled his blankets up to his chest, his attention lands on his phone, which had been lighting up for a long time. Jeno picks it up, and pressed his lips together once he sees the sender.

Nana : oh my god, Jen, you never know what happened today!  
Nana : wait,, Jen, where are you??  
Nana : Jen, are you okay?  
Nana : you didn't tell me that you're skipping?  
Nana : i'm coming over after the classes ended, I have something to tell you!  
Nana : hey?? how's Sherlock?  
Nana : Jeno??

Jeno pursed his lips. He smooths Sherlock's fur with a hand and made himself comfortable. He hates it when Jaemin acts so nice to him. It makes him misunderstand so much. It makes him... _hopeful_. Jeno typed back with a simple _no, i'm okay_ , and turns towards Sherlock. "Sorry, baby, but I don't think you will be seeing Nana for a while," he whispers, and the Samoyed licks the back of his hand, as if understanding his words.

He coughs again, but he ignores the pain bubbling up in his throat, wiping away the blood on his sleeve. His breath now smells of flowers, and even though the flower in question does not produce much of a scent, too much of it still causes him to smell the faint fragrance. He doesn't hate it, but... Jeno sniffs a little. It doesn't feel that good anymore after he started coughing whenever he thinks of Jaemin, and that means every single day, every time he has the time to. 

No one ever told him of this stupid thing called _hanahaki disease_ anyways. But he should have known better than to fall for his best friend.

Jeno falls back on his back, letting Sherlock climb all over him as he thinks. For the first time, Jeno considers getting the surgery, but he is scared. He was afraid of not knowing love ever again. However, as soon as he closes his eyes, memories of Jaemin appears. He purses his lips, before he turns to the side, coughing harder than before. Sherlock whines against his chest, and Jeno savors its soft fur against his skin, before he sighs. He closes his eyes, turning a blind eye to his buzzing phone, and fell into a fitful sleep, dreaming of a pretty boy with a gorgeous smile, and eyes filled with stars.

_I don't want to forget him._

When Jeno wakes up, he wakes up to the smell of pancake, and marshmallow-soft fur pressed against his face. Upon noticing that he woke up, Sherlock wags its tail and licked his face softly. Jeno smiles, kissing the top of its head. He moves towards the living room, hoping - _no, praying_ \- that it is just Doyoung-hyung, but was promptly let down with the sight of the back of a young man, with blue hair. 

His heart drops. The very person he doesn't want to see is here.

Jaemin turns, displaying a pretty smile that had Jeno almost -literally- having a heart attack. "Hey," he greets with a smile. He turns, placing the fluffy pancakes onto a plate and pushing it towards him. "Didn't want to wake you up since you're sick. Sorry for coming over even when you told me not to. I was worried." Jeno goes a slight shrug, before he tucked into his lunch. His stomach is roiling, to be honest, and he feels uncomfortable, but he swallowed all the food obediently. He even smiles at Jaemin, trying to send a sign for the other to go away. 

"I'm fine now, Nana, it's just a bad sleep and stomachache," he says softly, and Jaemin scans him for any lies. _He wouldn't find any_ , Jeno knew, _because he had gotten too good at acting fine_. The thought of it made him want to vomit, but he pushed the urge down, opting for a grin instead. Jaemin relaxes, and nods a bit. "okay. If you feel worse, let me know, okay?" he asks, and Jeno nods.

Jaemin made to sit at the couch in the living room, and Jeno pursed his lips. He was positive the disease will act up soon, and he folds his arms over his chest and leans against his bedroom door. "What else do you need to tell me?" He asks, and Jaemin perks up. He looks gorgeous, Jeno decided, because the way the sunlight from the window hits Jaemin and highlights all the pretty features, it magnifies his beauty by _a lot_. It also makes it harder to breath, but he will not comment on that.

Jeno coughs lightly into his sleeve, and held up a hand to stop Jaemin. "Wait, I need to go to the bathroom." He smiles apologetically at the blue-haired male, and escapes into the bathroom. Jeno hunched over the toilet, heaving his lunch into the toilet, and flushed it down unfeelingly. He hasn't been eating a lot because he would end up throwing it up, and his disease has been accelerating at a worrying rate. 

He coughs a little more, feeling as if something is lodged in his throat, and his eyes widened in panic. _Oh no_. He squeezes his eyes shut in pain as he chokes and wheezes, to the point that tears escape the corners of his eyes _. It hurts. A lot._ He whimpers a little when he finally coughs out the stupid flower, and his eyes fell upon it. A perfect gladiolus sits in his palm, light purple and doused in his own blood. It is relatively medium-sized, and Jeno moans in pain. His throat feels ravaged and in pain, and Jeno cries, gulping down air to calm himself down. Silent tears dripped down from his cheeks as he coughs into his hand. The television outside is turned on loud, and he knows Jaemin won't ever know what is happening here.

He _hates_ Na Jaemin. He hates him for the death-disease he had inflicted on him, yet he loves him. God, he loves him so _goddamned much_. 

Jeno fills up a cup with water, and washed the flower until it is clean, before popping it into the water-filled cup. He looks at it for a while, deep in thought, before pursing his lips. He then rinsed out his mouth, before he walks out of the bathroom, the very picture of calm. 

Jaemin is still sitting at the same spot, a hand ruffling Sherlock's fur as he snuggled with it on the couch. He looks over to Jeno, brows furrowed in worry. "Jeno, are you okay?" He asks, and Jeno hates that he loves the sound of his name on the other's lips. "I'm fine." He swallows the truth, and sits down besides Jaemin. "What were you trying to tell me?" He asks, and Jaemin angled his body towards him, looking super excited. 

"I asked Renjun out." Jeno blinks. His chest feels raw with pain. "Junnie said yes?" he chokes out, and the light in Jaemin's eyes brightened. "Yes! He said he had been wanting to tell me since forever! I'm so happy, Jeno!" Jaemin pauses, noticing the stiff expression on his best friend's face. "Jen, what's wrong?"

_Tell him. Tell him you're in love with him. Tell him he is gorgeous. Tell him, tell him, tell him-_

Jeno can't do it. He can't take away his best friend's love and happiness by burdening him with this knowledge. He knows this. _He knows this_.

So he zips up his confession, and smiled. "I'm happy for you, Nana," and he meant it with his entire heart. Even if it meant filling himself up with gladioli, even if it meant unending pain, even if it meant taking his feelings away, he would do it. He would give everything, just for the love of his life to be happy.

When Jaemin left, Jeno stumbles to his bathroom, coughing up blood and flowers and flowers until his vision blurred from the pain. When he closes his eyes, he can feel the roots and stems digging in, and he cries. It took everything from him to get himself in bed, and his hands were shaking when he texts Doyoung to get to his house, quick.

_There is so many flowers._

It took the older male five minutes to get there, and Doyoung gathers Jeno's frail body into his arms. He briefly wonders why Jaemin had not noticed the physical changes in Jeno, but his worry for the younger overruled the thoughts. "Jeno, what happened? Who did this to you?" Doyoung whispers. He had glanced into the bathroom on his way to Jeno's bed, and he saw the blood and flowers. His heart squeezed in pain when he thought of the pain the younger had to go through, and he kissed Jeno's forehead, whispering sweet words in low tones to soothe him.

Jeno moaned in pain, and even in this state, gladioli spills from his lips, along with fresh blood. "It hurts, Doyo-hyung," he whines, feverish and in pain. "Let's get you to the hospital, you need the surgery," Doyoung replies, and carried him to his car. Jeno sighs in his seat, before he looks over to Doyoung. "Is there no other choice?" He hates the idea of losing Jaemin. At the thought of the blue-haired boy, he coughs again, and chokes on larger gladioli. His throat is filling up with flowers, and Jeno closes his eyes in pain. Doyoung shoots him a worried look. "No. After this surgery, I'm bringing you with me and Yuta to Japan."

Everything turns black.

When Jeno awoke, he blinks around the room blearily. His action surprised Doyoung, who jumps up and presses the button for the doctor immediately. He sits down next to Jeno, and smiles worriedly. He and Yuta looks like they have aged ten years "Hey. You feel better?" he murmurs in a questioning tone, and Jeno nods. "My throat's still kinda hoarse," he whispers in response, and Yuta grabbed a cup of water. The man presses the cup to Jeno's lips and told him to take small sips.

When the doctor comes in, he squints at Jeno. "Your condition was really bad when your brother took you to us," he says in a crisp tone, "But we have removed the flowers growing in your chest. Gladioli, right?" he asks, and Jeno nods. He feels strangely empty, as if he had lost something in this surgery, along with the flowers. "What is the side effect of this surgery?" he asks, and the doctor sighs. "Loss of the ability to love romantically. You will retain the memories of the person who caused this, but your ability to love is lost." The doctor smiles a little then, albeit a little sadly. "You will get used to it soon."

Jeno nods again. There is a small side in him that hates that he had been turned into this state, but he knew it was all for the best. He turns to Doyoung. "After all this, we are moving to Japan?" Doyoung nods with a forced cheerful grin. "Yuta and I had gotten you into one of the best med schools in Japan. I hope you're willing?" he asks, hopefully. Jeno thinks about it, and decides that leaving Korea would be better for him after all. 

"yeah. I am willing."

************************************************************

A year later, Jaemin and Renjun took a short trip to Japan. They wanted to look for Jeno, along with some sightseeing. Wanting to give Renjun a surprise gift, Jaemin walks along the street and entered a sweet-smelling flower shop. He looks around, and he was greeted softly by a staff. He did not look at the staff, torn between the wide variety of flowers displayed in front of him. "What are you looking for?" a gentle voice floats into Jaemin's ears, and Jaemin vaguely felt that it sounded familiar, but he replies in a steady tone anyway.

"I'm buying for my boyfriend, he is gentle, lovely, and he loves gladioli. What goes well with those flowers?" There is a lull, and Jaemin finally looks at the staff, only to realize it is another customer. His eyes widened in shock once he registered who, exactly was the person.

Jeno stands in front of him, a serene smile on his lips, and he says softly, "Gladiolus. It symbolizes strength and moral integrity." He pauses, before continuing, "It also represents infatuation, with a bouquet conveying to a recipient that they pierce the giver's heart with passion." Jaemin breathes out lowly. "Jeno."

"Jaemin." Jeno smiled sadly, and he pulls a gladiolus out of nowhere. He hands it to Jaemin, who took it with a stunned look. "why-?" "I'm sorry i didn't manage to give prepare a bouquet of these to you. Besides, I didn't manage to thank you for everything. I wanted to tell you some things the moment I saw you." Jaemin blinks, unable to process everything. "What-"

Jeno shushes him, a sad glint in his eyes. He gestures towards the flower held in Jaemin's hand. "I loved you," he says. "I suffered from hanahaki, but I went through surgery." He saw the look in Jaemin's eyes, and pursed his lips a little. But he pushed on, determined to finish the things he came to say, the words spilling out like the flowers that spilled from his lips a year ago. "Don't feel guilty for the pain you caused me, Jaemin. It's my choice all along." _Jaemin_. It hurts that Jeno is using this form of address towards him. 

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Jeno felt a twinge of pain in his chest when he sees the pain in Jaemin's eyes, as if his chest -his heart- is remembering the pain and the ghost of the lovely feelings called love. He smiles again, chest aching and _hollow_. "Have fun with Renjun. I hope you are happy, Jaemin." He turns away, and walks briskly out of the shop. He massaged his chest softly, hoping to drive the feeling away.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Jaemin looks at the light purple flower, medium sized and gorgeous. He remembers that this is his birth flower, he remembers telling it to Jeno in the wee hours when he stayed over, when they are barely fifteen. He notices a piece of paper tied to the stem with a blue ribbon. When he unfurls the roll of paper to read just a sentence, etched in Jeno's writing, his tears welled up, and dripped onto his shaking hands.

_"You made flowers grow in my lungs and, although they are beautiful, I cannot breathe. Even so, I don't regret it."  
-Jeno_


End file.
